Romanticized Reality

(Source: wyatt-fucking-earp, via ourcherokeerose)

I had one of those dreams last night. The kind where you wake up and try to go back to sleep right away. In it, a boy and girl fell in love and their love, although complicated, was the kind that takes your breath away and makes you yearn for more. It was the kind of dream that makes you wonder if it really exists and you just haven’t found it, or if it only exists in your dreams…

When I woke up I remembered this quote:

“I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”
- Sex and the City

I’d love to lay in bed and dream of love some more, but I have to get ready for school now.

I just love how I’m the “lazy one” at work. I’m not gonna lie I don’t like my posi. I like about two people on it and that’s it. So I read instead of socializing, and apparently, this makes me lazy? One guy reads the entire fucking night regardless of what’s happening. Nobody says shit. I’m on a super easy load surrounded by people that rarely need help. What am I supposed to do? Stare at my empty chute all night? How is that better? It’s ridiculous. On my posi there are five different people who can’t stop touching/hugging/massaging each other and it makes me want to puke. One girl thinks she is a junior supervisor and one girl moves so slowly that she makes molasses look fast. But god forbid Shana read a damn book. EVEN THOUGH she helps her neighbors, loads other people’s stuff when it redlights, and kicked ass tonight she is obviously lazy. What’s more is that I couldn’t really care because I like having time to read. Nursing school is going to kill me. I need that reading time. So now I’m trying to decide what’s more important - study time for school or what my posi thinks of my work ethic. I’m not trying to make UPS my career. I’m only here because I have to be. I’m counting down the days to graduation. All the people I consider important know that I’m an excellent worker. So does it really matter if not everyone finds me to be the best worker they’ve ever seen? …I don’t know. Honestly I’ve never considered this before, but I’m starting to think that people see an overweight girl reading a book and think “Ahh, she’s fat because she’s lazy.”

I’m drunk and happy.

Why am I the only one?

Ronny & Lynnette are having their third baby.

Cari & Clayton are pregnant with their first.

Melissa got engaged last night.

I’m still in the same place as I was four years ago.

When does my life start?

Today I stayed home and slept all day and I can’t believe what happened. I ended up having the most vivid and intense dreams I can ever remember having.

In the first, I lived in a co-ed dorm. I went to take a shower and ended up stumbling into a stall that was already in use. Inside was a tall, dark-haired boy. We both offered to leave, but ended up staying there together. We didn’t have sex, but it was still erotic, intense, and empowering. Before he left, he told me his name was Scott and in the dream, that memory was incredibly powerful and I yearned to know more about him. Later in the dream I found myself in a store with friends, Christmas shopping. One of them made a joke and the punchline had been something about Shower Scott, when low and behold I found out he was a few spots behind me in line and heard it. He turned to leave and I chased after him. Once I caught up, I apologized immensely. I told him how much the encounter meant to me and how I’d thought of  nothing but him since that day. In the middle of apologizing, I happened to look to my left and there stood Donnie at the end of the aisle, watching me tell another man how much he meant to me, but this didn’t stop my diatribe. I continued on even as Donnie walked away because in the dream, the passion I had for Scott (even for that brief amount of time) outweighed my passion for Donnie and I didn’t want to ever let that go.

- It’s dreams like this that scare me. Once I decide to spend the rest of my life with Donnie, that I could be really happy with him, these dreams sneak in and make me question everything. I am awake now…but I still miss Scott…

2nd dream: Much less significant. I was older, maybe around 33, and I sat/worked in a kitchen similar to my own. I remember feeling contempt for my husband/employer. I think maybe he was my husband, but somewhat controlling and possibly verbally abusive and I associated him with an employer? Anyhow, the neighbor boy and his friend came over to visit my husband. When they found he wasn’t home, the neighbor boy turned to leave, dropping a cigarette on his way. He picked it up and I asked him if he were really old enough to be smoking those things. He said “Why, sure” he was and lit it. A few puffs later, he no longer cared for it and I took it from him. As he and his friend left, I sat in my kitchen, with the tv on, cold coffee in one hand, smoking a long cigarette in the other.

- When I awoke, I wanted nothing more than a cigarette. Twenty minutes later and I still want cold coffee, a cigarette, and a heart-racing shower with a tall, dark-haired stranger.

I used to think I only had nightmares because they were always terrifying and I was relieved to wake up. However, in this moment, I prefer the nightmares because in the dreams I had today, I hoped I would never wake up.

The most tumultuous couple I have ever met got engaged tonight. Fucking seriously? I now understand why half of America gets divorced.