Romanticized Reality

I just love how I’m the “lazy one” at work. I’m not gonna lie I don’t like my posi. I like about two people on it and that’s it. So I read instead of socializing, and apparently, this makes me lazy? One guy reads the entire fucking night regardless of what’s happening. Nobody says shit. I’m on a super easy load surrounded by people that rarely need help. What am I supposed to do? Stare at my empty chute all night? How is that better? It’s ridiculous. On my posi there are five different people who can’t stop touching/hugging/massaging each other and it makes me want to puke. One girl thinks she is a junior supervisor and one girl moves so slowly that she makes molasses look fast. But god forbid Shana read a damn book. EVEN THOUGH she helps her neighbors, loads other people’s stuff when it redlights, and kicked ass tonight she is obviously lazy. What’s more is that I couldn’t really care because I like having time to read. Nursing school is going to kill me. I need that reading time. So now I’m trying to decide what’s more important - study time for school or what my posi thinks of my work ethic. I’m not trying to make UPS my career. I’m only here because I have to be. I’m counting down the days to graduation. All the people I consider important know that I’m an excellent worker. So does it really matter if not everyone finds me to be the best worker they’ve ever seen? …I don’t know. Honestly I’ve never considered this before, but I’m starting to think that people see an overweight girl reading a book and think “Ahh, she’s fat because she’s lazy.”

I’m drunk and happy.

Why am I the only one?

Ronny & Lynnette are having their third baby.

Cari & Clayton are pregnant with their first.

Melissa got engaged last night.

I’m still in the same place as I was four years ago.

When does my life start?

Today I stayed home and slept all day and I can’t believe what happened. I ended up having the most vivid and intense dreams I can ever remember having.

In the first, I lived in a co-ed dorm. I went to take a shower and ended up stumbling into a stall that was already in use. Inside was a tall, dark-haired boy. We both offered to leave, but ended up staying there together. We didn’t have sex, but it was still erotic, intense, and empowering. Before he left, he told me his name was Scott and in the dream, that memory was incredibly powerful and I yearned to know more about him. Later in the dream I found myself in a store with friends, Christmas shopping. One of them made a joke and the punchline had been something about Shower Scott, when low and behold I found out he was a few spots behind me in line and heard it. He turned to leave and I chased after him. Once I caught up, I apologized immensely. I told him how much the encounter meant to me and how I’d thought of  nothing but him since that day. In the middle of apologizing, I happened to look to my left and there stood Donnie at the end of the aisle, watching me tell another man how much he meant to me, but this didn’t stop my diatribe. I continued on even as Donnie walked away because in the dream, the passion I had for Scott (even for that brief amount of time) outweighed my passion for Donnie and I didn’t want to ever let that go.

- It’s dreams like this that scare me. Once I decide to spend the rest of my life with Donnie, that I could be really happy with him, these dreams sneak in and make me question everything. I am awake now…but I still miss Scott…

2nd dream: Much less significant. I was older, maybe around 33, and I sat/worked in a kitchen similar to my own. I remember feeling contempt for my husband/employer. I think maybe he was my husband, but somewhat controlling and possibly verbally abusive and I associated him with an employer? Anyhow, the neighbor boy and his friend came over to visit my husband. When they found he wasn’t home, the neighbor boy turned to leave, dropping a cigarette on his way. He picked it up and I asked him if he were really old enough to be smoking those things. He said “Why, sure” he was and lit it. A few puffs later, he no longer cared for it and I took it from him. As he and his friend left, I sat in my kitchen, with the tv on, cold coffee in one hand, smoking a long cigarette in the other.

- When I awoke, I wanted nothing more than a cigarette. Twenty minutes later and I still want cold coffee, a cigarette, and a heart-racing shower with a tall, dark-haired stranger.

I used to think I only had nightmares because they were always terrifying and I was relieved to wake up. However, in this moment, I prefer the nightmares because in the dreams I had today, I hoped I would never wake up.

The most tumultuous couple I have ever met got engaged tonight. Fucking seriously? I now understand why half of America gets divorced.

I’m watching Batman and Robin and drinking a BIG glass of wine. I’m in a really good mood right now. I’m thinking of staying up all night, making Donnie breakfast, going into work early to get in some extra hours, and then coming home with take-out and sleeping seven hours before work. That’d be kind of crazy, but a good way to end the summer, I think. We’ll see what happens.

P.S. I love Twitter. I wish more people I know used it. Yet, not enough for it to become Facebook and I start getting followed by everyone I’ve ever met.

Welp, back to the wine and George Clooney. Ahhhh.

Those bitches are CRAZY. Also, Batman Returns is really getting me in the mood for some cold weather.

Today was my mom’s birthday. She is now 58. Donnie, Billy, & I went and visited. We gave her a bottle of perfume and took her to dinner at Ponderosa. Clint didn’t call once all day and didn’t show up to wish her a happy birthday until 10:00pm. Guess the perfect son isn’t always perfect?

Cari hasn’t talked to me all weekend. I guess she’s mad at me for not going bowling. I bail on one thing and apparently I’m just like everybody else. Sometimes I get tired of sticking up for her and defending myself for being her friend and it actually has nothing to do with other people’s opinions. I get tired of it because what do I get in return? I’m made to feel like a bad friend and often like a personal failure. I know I don’t have a car, I don’t need to be reminded of it ALL the time. I know she doesn’t mean to hurt me, it’s just who she is, but that’s how it feels.

In other news, school starts back on Tuesday. I’m going to kick school’s ass this semester. Dean’s List? Try Dean’s Scholar.

Honestly, this weekend has been wonderful. Donnie has been wonderful. I’m in love with him all over again. It’s times like these when I wonder if we just have rough patches or if we’re not meant to be. I mean last week I seriously contemplated finding a way out of our relationship and now I couldn’t be happier. We’ve been together almost two years and I still don’t know where we’re going, but as of now, I’m not ready to get off the ride.

Lastly, I’m missing Steven’s blog posts. Where are the stories? Where is the music? I’ve been checking your page every day, man. Feed me, Seymour. <3

Alright, I’m done. Ciao, bitches.